Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
