so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
