I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
