OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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