guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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