I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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