I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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