so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
