I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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