I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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