The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
