he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
