omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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