I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
