Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
