I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i've created a new STD.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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