we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
