apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
