Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
