Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
