can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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