Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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