Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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