FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
