U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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