Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
