Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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