Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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