she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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