i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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