On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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