Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
