So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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