The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
