im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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