Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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