I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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