i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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