Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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