She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just found a bag of teeth...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
