Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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