She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
