I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
