i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
