Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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