mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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