I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
