Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Randomize
