dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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