Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
