Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
We're facebook friends in real life
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I met the friendliest cop last night
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
There are leaves in my underwear?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
