Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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