I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
