all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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