i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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