when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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