I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
