Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
